What I Couldn't Say
by CaelestisDiabolus
Summary: Finished - One shot - Fluff - Ethan regrets his decision to marry Gwen and forsake his feelings for Theresa...What will he do when a second chance falls into his lap? (A Good Read If You're Mad At The Whole Ethan Theresa Situation Right Now)


NOTE: OK, so you all know about the whole no more NC-17 thing ff.net is doing. :::rolling eyes::: I still don't get who complained, uhh, HELLO! If it's NC-17 that means there WILL be sex, so I don't get why people were shocked to find sex in those stories lol! I'm told this is an R story, so just to warn you...this is R because there is sex. But it's VERY Harlequin type sex...meaning it's not really graphic, but if you're a wee little child or a nun DO NOT read this...Or I'll kick your ass! Unless you're a nun cause that's mean... ALSO sorry to the reviews that were lost in the re-posting of this story...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story, the people who make Passions do. I also didn't write the song, "Was it something I didn't say" that privilege goes to Diane Warren. This was my very first "fanfic" and it's a few years old. But I figured I might as well post it since I'm new to this site. I wrote it during the first season of Passions, so turn back your mental clock a bit. If you think it's cheesy, well it is. I mean, it IS set after a soap opera after all lol! Besides, this was written for a friend of mine, so Lor, here is your happy ending!  
  
What I couldn't say.  
  
By: Caelestis Diabolus  
  
{Spending another night alone, wondering when I'm gonna ever see you again. Thinking what I would give, to get you back baby. I should have told you how I felt then; instead I kept it to myself, yea. I let my love go unexpressed 'till it was to late. You walked away.}  
  
A single tear fell down his cheek as he tried to close away her memory. But his eyes kept fluttering open, and he saw her. And with every glance of shadow, he felt he lost her all over again. The words from the radio slowly crept in his head. The song brought yet another wave of regret over him.  
  
{Was it something I didn't say, when I didn't say, "I love you." Was it words that you never heard? All those words I should have told you! All those times, all those nights, when I had the chance to...Was it something I didn't say?}  
  
He quickly shut off the radio. He felt a shudder run through him as he thought of the songs accuracy. He didn't expect the effect it was having on him. Then again, he didn't expect to feel anything about her still.  
  
It had been just over five years since he last saw her. And every day he regretted it. He couldn't count the times he played out that last day so that he made a different choice. So that he told her how he felt.  
  
Pushing his arms up, he forced himself out of bed. He glanced at himself in the mirror. His smile had left soon after she did. He noticed that his eyes had somehow changed too. They seemed dull and lifeless. Looking at himself, it seemed as though he were looking at a ghost. But not of past or present, but of a ghost that shouldn't be.  
  
He had taken to simply wearing boxers or jeans around his apartment, getting dressed seemed like too much of a chore. He walked towards his bathroom intending to skip over his early morning jog and go straight to his shower. Pulling off his bottoms, he turned on the showerhead and stepped inside.  
  
The water was just hot enough to make him tighten his muscles in reaction to it. He let the water cascade down his back. It felt wonderfully hot and equally hard. As the tiny little drops beat against his back, he closed his eyes and saw her again.  
  
He remembered the first time he had kissed her; well, the first time he had meant to kiss her. He had felt even then how much this person would affect him. And he let the old memories sweep over him once again in drowning waves...  
  
***"Hey Ethan are you ready? God, I can't believe today, the big day, is already here! I feel like puking for you."  
  
He looked in the mirror to see his Aunts' reflection join his. He looked back at his own and continued to straighten his bow tie.  
  
"Are you nervous? I mean, there's really no reason that you should be it's only your Wedding day!" She playfully swatted his at his head giving him a sneaky grin. Then she noticed, he was not returning the smile.  
  
"My tie is crooked." He pulled out the knot and started over again.  
  
"Let me do that for you, I think it's a groom disorder. 'Fumbley fingers' equal pre-wedding nerves." She looked up at him and noticed his still furrowed brow. "Ethan, what's wrong? You look a little more agitated then the normal 'groom to be'."  
  
He let out a long sigh; it seemed to loosen some of the tension he was feeling in his stomach. Seeing his Aunt work on his tie with just as much confusion made him smirk. "Am I the only one not dressed yet? He replied trying to change the subject.  
  
"Theresa was helping Gwen into her vail when I last checked, but I'm sure she's ready by now. But there are always one or two little things that will pop up to keep them busy. Mainly just to keep you waiting. But you still haven't answered my question; what's the matter?  
  
Another sigh escaped his now clenched lips. "Nothing's the matter. I'm marrying Gwen today. She's the woman I love, I always have. Why would something be wrong?" I've known this day would come since I was seventeen. And now it's here, and I'm happy. Nothing's wrong."  
  
Sheridan rolled her eyes. "Lord Ethan, could you possible sound more enthused?" She stepped in front of him blocking the view of himself. "Is this about Theresa?"  
  
He closed his eyes and she was there. Lately that had been happening more and more. "Of course not, what I thought I felt for Theresa was...was just some jitters. Everybody gets them before they get married. I mean, I love Gwen, I do!"  
  
She lowered her head and started to walk back out the door, then paused, "Why Ethan, does it sound like you're trying to convince yourself more then me?" She continued out of the room leaving him alone.  
  
He slowed down his breathing and continued to mentally tell himself the same thing he had just told his Aunt. When he felt himself calm down enough, he headed down the chapel. Towards Gwen, and away from her memory.  
  
When it came down to saying his vows, he couldn't help but trail his eyes over to her. To the eyes that seemed to melt and make him. Then he saw the tears that had found home in those eyes. He felt himself wanting to comfort her, kiss away her tears, to say those words to her.  
  
He pulled his eyes back to Gwens' and continued looking at her till he heard "Kiss the bride", and he did. Something inside him seemed to sink away.  
  
He watched Theresa through most of the reception. And he began to wish for her strength. She seemed to be OK, which was more then he felt. But that only confirmed to him that he had done the right thing. If she was Ok, then he would have to be OK too.  
  
"Ethan, are you daydreaming? God, we're not even on our honeymoon yet sweetie. That's so sweet." Gwen pulled him to his feet and immediately put her arm possessively around his waist. "Darling, its time for the wedding party dances. I have to find Chad, and you need to go get Theresa. They're filming this so try to look dazzling, I want to make a good impression on my friends who couldn't come."  
  
"No," he said a little to quickly. "I mean, Chad's busy being DJ, he won't have the time, and Theresa is busy..."  
  
She shook her head and cut him off before he could finish. "I won't take no for an answer, it's for good luck, and I don't want Misty Evans saying she had more dances then we did. So just go." She gave him a small shove in Theresa's direction.  
  
As the music started he watched as Gwen rushed over to Chad and saw the look of contempt fall over his face. Then, Ethan saw her. He made his way over to where she stood; she looked enchanting. Her eyes pulled him in and without a word they began moving together captured by the silence and the song.  
  
Theresa was the first to break that silence. She spoke barely above a whisper, but the pain in her voice screamed to his heart. "Why are you doing this?"  
  
He looked into her eyes; he didn't know what to say. She started again, "You know I only came because I promised to show Mamma and Luis that I wouldn't 'end' over you. But you're not exactly making this easy." Her voice cracked and tears once again forced themselves to be known in her eyes.  
  
"Theresa, I'm not trying to hurt you, and...and it kills me to know you're in pain over all this, but I told you when I met you I would be with Gwen. And, it's the right thing to do."  
  
She looked into his eyes, no longer trying to hide her tears or pain. "You don't love her! Why, did you have to marry her? All you did was hurt us all!" She pulled away from his arms and hurried towards the gardens. He was only a few steps behind her.  
  
She was standing next to the azaleas trying futilely to stifle her cries with her hands. He grabbed her arm, "Theresa, please don't cry. I never meant to hurt you." True emotion began to seep into his voice; he held his head as the heaviness of it all sank onto his shoulders.  
  
"I will never love anyone the way I love you, Ethan. But, I can't be here anymore. I can't stay here and see you, and know what I could have had with you. It's too hard, and I don't think anyone could be that strong. Please, I just need to leave." She looked into his eyes and he felt his heart break. "But before I go, let me have one last moment with you. One last kiss I can hold on to."  
  
He shook his head, "Theresa I can't," he started quickly scanning the crowd to find Gwen. She didn't seem to have even noticed his absence. "I'm married now and," she cut him off with her lips granting her own request.  
  
He pulled back at first, but she refused to let go. As he felt her warmth against his body, he felt his walls break down. His lips hungrily returned her kiss with a passion that overwhelmed them both.  
  
She recoiled with fresh tears in her eyes, "Ethan, why!" That was all she managed to squeak out as she ran from his arms into the Garden and out of his life.***  
  
He opened his eyes as the memory faded and reality came back to him. He licked the water off his lips and began scrubbing at his body as if it were the memory of it all.  
  
It was only three months before he realized Gwen was more interested in his stocks and bonds then she was in him. The divorce came a year later despite the many threats from his father and from Gwens'. She has told him she would take him for all he had for doing that. But money didn't seem to matter at all anymore.  
  
The day he truly realized what he lost was the worst day of his life, he had felt himself break down inside, and the rest of the world saw him breakdown on the outside.  
  
That same day, he convinced Luis and Sheridan to put aside their considerable differences, forget her past and overcome what they may to be together. That also was the day Luis finally understood and believed Ethans' feelings for Theresa were real and as deep as his own feelings for Sheridan.  
  
He dried himself off and began to dress pulling on a pair of jeans and leaving it at that. He walked from his bedroom to his office, which was really no more then an old china dresser converted to hold his computer in his living room. He worked out of his apartment now trying to stay in as much as possible.  
  
He was busy staying at his "Get to WORK" sign when the ringing of the phone cut off his train of thought. It wasn't his office line, so he debated on whether or not to pick it up. Deciding he was not in the mood to talk to anyone, he let the machine answer for him.  
  
"Ethan, are you there? It's Sheridan and I really really need to talk to you so if you're there pick up the damn phone! OK, I'm gonna try back later, call me back as soon as you get this. No sitting on your ass putting me on your to do list. Love you."  
  
He smiled, "I love you too," he mumbled. He got up and walked towards his couch and threw himself down on it. He brushed back his still damp hair and began to drift off ignoring the prompting he felt to get back up and turn on his computer.  
  
He was awakened a short while later from his dream to the sound of knocking on his door. When he opened his eyes, Theresa had vanished and so did her lips. He pressed his lips down hard, trying to remember exactly how it felt to touch her with them.  
  
He got up and shuffled towards the door, "Jees Sheridan, I was gonna call you back you know. You don't have to check up on me, I am a big boy ya know." He shouted to the door. He pulled of the chain lock and opened the door. "You never trust me do you." He said smiling as he opened the door. That smile faded and his heart nearly stopped at the sight before him. This had to be a dream. "Theresa?" was all he managed to choke out. She was standing before him, and this was no vision. This was very real.  
  
"Hi," she choked out. She started to play with her shirtsleeve, when she looked up at him again time seemed to just stop.  
  
"Theresa," he choked out again. "What...you're here. How?" His stomach started tying in knots, and muscles tensed in his body he didn't even know he had.  
  
"I came back for Miguel and Kays' wedding, and I thought I'd stop by to see how you and Gwen are doing. I know most "maids of honor" usually visit sooner, but this is my first time back in Harmony since I left. Can I come in or is this bad timing?"  
  
"Yes! I mean no. No, I mean, no it's not bad timing and yes you can come in. I wasn't expecting anyone."  
  
She smiled, "I gathered that," She said pointing at his bare chest. "So," she began ignoring his eyes, "How are you and Gwen?"  
  
Ethan walked towards his bedroom and disappeared without an answer. He returned a few moments later his bare chest now covered with a light blue T- shirt. "How did you know where I was?" He sat himself down on the couch crossing his legs and gesturing for her to do the same.  
  
She sat down across from him and nervously played with her sleeve again. "I guess I have a little of my brothers detective skills in me." She gave a small smile, but the tension between them would not break. "I looked you up in the telephone book. There aren't that many E. Crane's in Harmony you know." She continued to chat nervously on. "Besides, Sheridan knew I was coming, so I think she would have pointed me in the right direction had I been wrong."  
  
Ethan realized that must have been Sheridans' "urgent" message. Next time, he would definitely pick up the phone. "You went to Sheridans'?" He knew it was a stupid question, but it seemed to ease the growing tension to have something, anything, to ramble on about.  
  
"Well, actually no. I went to Mammas', and Sheridan happened to be over there. I finally got to see my nephew. He's beautiful. He has a lot of his Papa in him. I can't believe he's already two!"  
  
He smiled, "He was a beautiful baby. I thought he looked a lot like you actually. He has your eyes. I remember seeing him for the first time, and thinking how much I missed your eyes." He looked down at his hands and tried to think of someone or something else to keep his mind clear. Multiplication tables from grade school poped up first.  
  
"Thank you, Ethan." Her heart began to pound faster. The way he had looked at her when he said that made her heart skip. He was the only man who had ever made her feel that way. "So, how are you and Gwen doing?"  
  
Ethan shifted his legs and rubbed his hands through his hair unconsciously. "Ya, well I'm good. I've started and Internet based legal consultant service. I don't make as much, but it's nice to set your own hours. And no one cares if you come to work in your PJ's. And it's doing really good now. As for Gwen, she's in Europe right now." He took a deep breath and quickly tried to change the subject. "So, how are you?"  
  
"Good, I've been in New York working as an intern for some great designers. And, well I'm gonna start my own company soon. I'm trying to follow my dreams. " She looked into her eyes and bit her bottom lip. He was the one dream she couldn't follow. "So, why is Gwen in Europe?"  
  
Ethan stood up and made his way over to the window beside his "office" and looked out pretending to be quite interested in the Spider on the sill. "Gwen? She's in Europe because her father wanted her to head up their new division in France. I'm sure she really loves it to. She always did love throwing herself into a challenge."  
  
Theresa scrunched her face in a puzzled look. "Why didn't you go with her Ethan? I mean, it usually takes at least a year to do all that, right?" She walked over to him and waited for an answer.  
  
He ignored her eyes and kept his own looking outside. "You know, I think it's gonna rain. So much for sunny skies. You know I think weathermen just flip a coin."  
  
"What happened Ethan. You can't hide things from me," she let out a small laugh, "you never could."  
  
"It's definitely going to rain." He turned to face her and looked into her eyes. How many times had he dreamed that she had come back to him? That he could take her into his arms and show her how much he loved her, how much he needed her.  
  
She continued to look at him, her eyebrows scrunched waiting for an answer. He gave a half grin at her and glanced back out the window. "Usually, if you divorce someone, you don't follow them to another Continent."  
  
Total confusion fell over Theresas' face, had she heard him right? "What? You and Gwen, aren't you and Gwen?" Her voice was higher then normal. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe Luis thought it was for the best. It probably was. But you were right you know. In the end, I couldn't love her, and she could only love my name and money. I told her once that I had been in love with you the day I married her. She just laughed at me and said 'What we have isn't about love Ethan, it's bout marriage.' You were right."  
  
Theresa couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I don't know what to say, I mean. My head is kinda flip flopping here."  
  
"I know I have no right to say what I'm about to. Bit I lied to you once and I've lied to myself a thousand times. And I can't do that anymore."  
  
She tried to interrupt him, "Ethan don't!" But he continued on, this time looking into her eyes.  
  
"I was in love with you then, and I'm still in love with you now Theresa. That hasn't changed for me. And in my life, I have only one regret. And that's the day I ever tried to live without you. I know you've moved on, but I couldn't keep lying about it. I can't deny what I feel anymore, I won't. I love you."  
  
Theresa walked back to the couch to sit down suddenly not trusting her own legs. "I think I need to be sitting right now." She stared blankly at the floor trying to assess what was happening. She decided to come here to finally prove she was over him, and he starts professing his love! He walked over to her and sat down on the coffee table facing her.  
  
"Maybe I shouldn't have told you what I was thinking just now." He pulled her hands off of her lap and placed them on his own. "I feel like everything I do to you gets fucked up! Like all I ever do is hurt you, if you only knew how much that kills me." Tears began falling down his eyes as years of pain and regret fought from his should to be released. He couldn't bury it anymore.  
  
"This isn't fair. It's taken me years to get myself to even want to move on. And now that you don't have the girl you chose, you tell the runner up you want her! I can't do this Ethan. I can't be some runner up, your consolation relationship." She started to get back up but he wouldn't let her hands go.  
  
"You were never a consolation! You were always what I wanted, but the one thing I was afraid to have. I was afraid to even try. I had my parents threatening me...maybe I shouldn't have cared. And you...I just didn't think it could have worked out. And I don't think I could have handled losing you, if I had ever truly had you. But not knowing, not knowing things is so much worse. I just had to tell you."  
  
He finally dropped her hands, and lowered his eyes to the floor. At that point he knew he didn't even have the right to look at her. Who was he to burden her with that?  
  
They both jumped at the crash of thunder that shook the walls inside and out. Ethan stood and crossed back to the window. The sky was dark know, grayish black. He watched the rain that had begun to fall, and traced a single drop with his finger. "Theresa, I was selfish to tell you that...I'm sorry."  
  
He heard the door open and shut and turned to find her gone. He had lost her all over again. The tears fell down his face just as the rain had fallen against his window. Walking over to his couch, he grabbed his jacket intending to go lose himself in the rain.  
  
He grabbed his cell phone and shoved it on his coat and started to shove one arm in his sleeve. He flung open the door and was face to face with her again. "Theresa! I thought you left?"  
  
She pushed her rain soaked hair from her face. "The windows on my car were down, I didn't want to get the seats wet," she sheepishly replied. She was shivering fiercely from the cold.  
  
"Please, come back in! You're wet and you'll freeze to death out in that!" He pulled her back inside and pulled her jacket off her. As his hands slid around her back, his fingers brushed her neck causing her to shiver again. "You need to dry off before you get sick. I don't want your brother hunting me down because I let you get sick. I have some pajamas you can slip into, they're in my bedroom." He ushered her in before she had a chance to protest.  
  
When the door closed so did his eyes. He released the breath he had been holding since she had entered in again. What was he doing? Making her stay would have no effect on what had happened. He couldn't turn back time. He walked towards his chair and was about to sit back down when he heard the door to his room click open.  
  
He turned to see her standing before him is his old NYU T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. Both looked as if either would fall off at any moment. He felt something-familiar twitch between his legs. Ignoring the feeling, he offered her something to drink.  
  
"Hot tea if you have any." She had let her long raven black hair, which now fell to the middle of her back, down. She would never be able to believe how beautiful he thought she looked at that moment.  
  
When he came back, she had seated herself cross-legged on his European rug. She looked up as he entered. "This is Beautiful," she managed to squeak out, running her hands across the rug. Why had she come back up here? Why did she lie about her stupid car? Whey couldn't she just leave him! Questions poured through her mind so loudly she hasn't even realized Ethan was talking to her. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"  
  
"I just said I'm sorry about what happened earlier." He sat down next to her causing her breath to speed up. He noticed his shirt had fallen off her, causing her shoulder to be bare before him.  
  
He went to replace it causing further aggravation between his legs. She shook at his touch and he tried not to notice how her chest had responded. She had hardened under his slightest touch. She couldn't take things anymore.  
  
She tugged his arm towards her causing him to tumble into her embrace. "I still love you too," she said quietly. Not being able to resist any longer, her lips found his. She pulled him closer towards her needing to feel his body press against hers as she slowly traced her hand against his back.  
  
Years of frustration and longing poured out into one kiss. She felt herself growing dizzy with need, but couldn't bare to pull herself away from his mouth. Both mouths had parted, and their tongues were gently touching, sending jolts of excitement through both of them.  
  
He slowly lowered them both to the floor knowing now exactly what was about to happen. He didn't need to question; he didn't need to hear her confirm anything, touching her was more right then anything he had ever done. He couldn't think anymore, he could only feel. And the years of regret left as his hands hungrily explored her body. He couldn't only feel the now.  
  
The want for her was not just in his body, though that was responding to every kiss, every touch, and every breath he could feel against his skin. It was as if his own heart were about to burst from his chest, as if his soul were to leave him if they didn't join soon. And join forever.  
  
They both stopped and slowly began to undress each other. His shirt was gone in an instant, and hers was quick to follow. A tear left his eye as he stared down at her body. He tenderly pulled her shorts down revealing her before him entirely. He could barely stand the emotion running through him.  
  
She looked at his face, it was flushed and a desire was in his eyes that shook her to the very core. She loved him so much, that it actually hurt knowing what was about to come. She took a shaky breath in and helped him unbutton his pants. They were soon added to the pile of clothes tossed beside them both.  
  
He laid her down and just began to kiss her. He wanted to be inside her, to be able to connect to every part of her, but he stopped himself wanting to make the moment last. They began exploring each other's bodies leaving kisses where they went. Her mouth found it's way lower down his chest, and her tongue playfully darted in and out of his belly button. She smiled as a deep moan passed over his lips.  
  
He pulled her back up to his lips again trying to quench a thirst for her that never seemed to die. His hands found her breasts and he felt her push them towards him even more. Her own hungry lips let out a sigh of pleasure. They man she loved was touching her in ways that made everything in reality seem to blur into nothingness. There were only the two.  
  
He knew the time was right and he parted her thighs gaining entrance to her body. She arched her back involuntarily at the shock of the touch. Her eyes were blurring and her ears seemed to ring. She felt him brush against her, and she gasped for breath at the jolt of pleasure that rocketed through her.  
  
Not being able to hold out any longer, he slid into her and he felt himself letting go. She felt warm and tight around him, and he lowered his mouth to her neck kissing the curve, trying to make her feel everything he did.  
  
He had become one with the person he loved. They soon found a rhythmic motion climbing together towards unbearable pleasure. He felt her pulling him in more and more, and their pace began to quicken. Her head reeled as she clung to him, but no doubts could take hold. Everything felt so right.  
  
He stared into her eyes needing to see what she was feeling. He thrust harder into her causing her to scream out his name. His body shook and he felt himself peaking. He found his voice enough to say, "I love you." She returned his statement with a kiss causing them both to break through the bounds of pleasure and explode together.  
  
Both bodies lay mixed in each other's arms. He held onto her, knowing this time he would never let her go. As they both drifted off to a dream of each other she spoke, her voice as shaky as her body. "I love you too." She nestled her head against his chest feeling the pounding in his chest start to slow. And they sank into the moment of happiness that would last a lifetime.  
  
THE END 


End file.
